I never imagined the antidote to this deep grief could be found outside my doorstep, but every morning it stills, if just for a nanosecond, that panic that chases my heart.
I stopped on the exit ramp. Emergency lights on. I never once thought about the dangers...
I stopped on the exit ramp. Emergency lights on. I never once thought about the dangers if my skin were dark. Or if I were a young man in a hoodie doing the same damn thing. That that would totally change the equation. I jump out and photograph and jump back into my white car. Into my white privilege.
Dawned on Me
'If to say it once
And once only, then still
To say: Yes.
And say it complete,
Say it as if the word
Filled the whole moment
With its absolute meaning.
Later for 'but,'
Later for 'if.'
Now
Only the single syllable
That is the beloved,
That is the world.
-Gregory Orr
Dawned on Me
What did they have to leave behind...
What did they have to leave behind. What trauma, what desperation drove them to nearly die to cross this boundary with little hope of being received. What fire was on their ass to make going toward death the right option?
Before I could get too far you had me racing forward and then lurching...
Before I could get too far you had me racing forward and then lurching so I could stop and say 'Oh.' Oh. Said like a long, slow exhalation that expelled any egoic gas.
I often wonder where else I should be ? But then, I ignore that thought.
I often wonder where else I should be ? But then, I ignore that thought.
To my godmother, who mothered me in ways my own mom could not. And I say that without blame, resentment or hurt...
To my godmother, who mothered me in ways my own mom could not. And I say that without blame, resentment or hurt. Love on all sides of this equation. But, you taught me the bliss of the smell and texture of home baked bread before it was cool to bake homemade bread, in the Age of Wonder Bread. You were a kitchen magician to me, assembling things of value out of what seemed like thin air and a dust of flour. Your pantry was a sanctuary filled with baking supplies, pans, tools,provisions and possibility. Being within it's little closet like space I felt held. And that was a lot.
You would sit in the corner bay of windows in your living room hand shirring cotton dresses for your daughters. How I envied them. Your door was always open to me, the latch key kid, frightened by thunderstorms and the sound of a telephone ringing into an empty house. And yup, I never got to tell you what you meant to me. As so often happens in my life. As so often happens in our lives. And I realize today is your birthday. Happy Birthday, Aunt Madelaine. You rocked my world in such good ways.
Walking out to a place revealed only at deepest low tide...
Walking out to a place revealed only at deepest low tide so I go and I sit and I watch as the sun plays and the clouds swoon and so do I...until I walk back and find the water over my boot tops.
For just this moment...
For just this moment. I didn't think. Or speculate. Or anticipate. Or project. And that relief was your gift to me.
I winked back.
I winked back.
Without Turning
"Maitri ... has the meaning of trusting oneself-trusting that we have what it takes to know ourselves thoroughly and completely without feeling hopeless, without turning against ourselves because of what we see." - Pema Chodron
Posted this 10 years ago. Reposting
Without Turning
I do not encounter anyone out here. But in the last decade I can count on one hand the folks I have encountered at first light.
You are my medicine. I will not miss the hand of your nonchalant blessing given whether I arrive or not. It's in the showing up.
Contact our elders.
Ya' know old trees just grow stronger
And old rivers grow wilder ev'ry day
Old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say 'Hello in there, hello'
-John Prine
Contact our elders.
Unlike any other
All that I can believe.
All that I can believe.
For Maria Girouard. The Heart of Dawn Land. Happy Birthday and Thank you.
For Maria Girouard. The Heart of Dawn Land. Happy Birthday and Thank you.
Oh, just the right dose at just the right time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, just the right dose at just the right time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
May we all find our way home.
Recalling when I was an intern at The Telling Room, a non-profit Community Writing Center in Portland, Maine. My assignment was assisting with a workshop for fourth grade students. The room was bustling with energy and the workshop facilitators were offering rapid fire writing prompts the kids were responding well to. Until this one. The prompt was simply HOME.
At my table 4 of the 5 kids seized up. All I could see was spooked horses. Eyes white and bulging, frozen for a moment before they prepared to dig stirrups into their own hide to bolt.
It was quiet but I murmured 'I wasn't always happy at home. It wasn't a cozy place. I felt more at home running by myself in the woods...'
Oh? The young girl next to me said.
And then I, 'Is there a place like that for you?'
She finally exhaled the breath she had taken in when she first heard the prompt. She described her after school drama club where she loved who she could be and she could be ANYTHING.
I said 'Oh. Home.'
The others mentioned distressed parents, awkward step parenting. Much, much was left without words.
I remember that today as City of Portland institutes a Stay At Home Ordinance to curb the spread of Covid19.
May we all find our way home.
Out here where I have never been before, I see footprints headed back to the shore already covered by a film of incoming tide.
The tide was surprisingly low. I walked out where I have never walked before. Out beyond the tidal pools and ledges that become tiny islands at high tide, where sea birds drop their shells to crack them open. I walk out and it is quiet. And feels right. And then, out here where I have never been before, I see footprints headed back to the shore already covered by a film of incoming tide.
I look around seeing no one.
And Still, There Was.
And Still, There Was.
This Impossible Gradient
This Impossible Gradient